I hope this will not be the typical "end of semester" or "school is out" post. It is quite a bit more than that for me this semester, it is the end of a chapter. I am one big step closer to graduation. I am excited, joyful, thankful, anticipatory, and honestly somewhat anxious. I have been in school pretty much non-stop since the age of 4 and it is all wrapping up. I am so thankful but also recognizing I can't pretend not to be a grown up anymore. I know I am responsible and capable, but it just doesn't seem right sometimes, in less than a year I will be a Doctor. I don't feel confident or mature enough to be a professional. I know I am completely competent and continue to grow in knowledge and experience daily. Will there always be a little voice in my head saying "you don't know what you're doing" or "how are you pulling off this charade?" I know it is little more than lies in my head, for the past couple of years it has been "you can't do this, you must've gotten into this program on a fluke." And now Satan must find new lies to tell me because the old ones have become almost obsolete. Two clinicals, two classes, and the comprehensive exam are the only things standing between graduation and myself and it is intimidating.
Which brings me to, but why???? What in the world do I have to be intimidated by? I have been re-reading the book A Heart Like His by Rebecca Manly Pippert lately and am in the portion where she compares David and Saul. Ironically I am also in the middle of Beth Moore's Bible study series on David. It has all centered on living confidently in the Lord, stressing that that is the only source for true confidence.
I drop the ball so often. I let my anxiety get the best of me. I get my little pity party on and get carried away. (Think grad school barbie depressing thoughts.) And where is the Lord in all of this? Right where I left Him. I don't say that condescendingly, but more as encouragement. He is never the one to waiver. I do that all on my own. I listen to everything around me but the peaceful calming voice of the Lord.
So, I am resolved to make this short break from the anxiety causing insanity of PT school to wait on the Lord. To listen to the Lord and overall, seek Him and His will above all in the things I do and say. Lord, make my heart open to receive your counsel and guidance, and Lord most of all, make me desire Your will above mine in the life you have given me. I am so blessed and squander that blessing so often with my selfishness.
Time with my in-laws is always difficult for me, which I often do not handle well, and only serve to cause anxiety for my husband and diminish the joy we might have spending time together. Lord, please do not let me steal the joy of others for my own selfish motivation or due to unkind words spoken to me. Lord, let me not become a selfish gossip, leaving a wake just because I want them to accept me, and acting as a crutch to others just because I am shown unkindness. My worth is not determined by anyone's opinion of me but the Lord's. Above all Lord, let me trust my husband to make the right choices for our little family, and in so demonstrate my love for him and confidence in You.
God I am so weak, but know that in You I am strong and you are capable of taking me and my life and completing something more than I could ever imagine.
I hope you are having a Merry Christmastime!